My summary of Reichenbach...
Therapist: Why today?
John: You know why I’m here.
Therapist: No, I don’t read the newspaper, nor do I watch TV. I have no concept of what goes on in the outside world.
John: My best friend is dead.
Therapist: OH SHIT LOL, sorry.
Sherlock: I just solved everything, give me stuff.
People: Here’s a box.
Sherlock: I fucking hate boxes.
Lestrade: Here’s a hat.
Sherlock: I fucking hate hats.
Sally and Anderson: LOL
Sherlock: I will kill everybody in this room.
John: I’m almost 100% positive that this newspaper is calling me gay.
Sherlock: I don’t understand how hats like this work. I’ve narrowed it down to either two things the hat could possibly be used for; an ear hat or a death Frisbee.
Moriarty: I fucking love this London cap. I fucking love this music. I fucking love these jewels. Oh and I just fucked over the majority of England using two apps on my phone, nbd.
Kitty: I’m just chillin’ here in the men’s toilets, Sherlock, sign my boobs.
Sherlock: The fuck are boobs.
Jury: We find the defendant not guilty, even though he has no evidence or witnesses to support his plea.
John: Sherlock, be careful, Moriarty is going to come over and-
Sherlock: OH MY GOD JOHN, SHUT UP, I’M TRYING TO HAVE TEA WITH THE MAN THAT TRIED TO KILL BOTH OF US.
Moriarty: I have access to everything in the world. I need to solve the final problem. The fall will begin soon. I.O.U. None of this is ever going to be important to the plot, though.
John: Excuse me, I’m looking for Mycroft Holmes.
Old guy: HOLY SHITBERRIES YOU CAN’T SPEAK IN HERE. IMMA USE MY CANE TO RING THIS BELL.
Random guys: We’re here to kidnap you.
Mycroft: There are all these foreign assassins that live near you now, so, you know, beware of that.
John: Can’t you just tell Sherlock this yourself?
Mycroft: Bitch please, of course not. –FORESHADOWING GUILT-
Lestrade: Come solve murders.
Sherlock: I’m a genius, ultra-violet light all up in here. Today is awesome.
John: Sherlock, ffs, children have been kidnapped, please tone down the happiness.
Sherlock: Molly, you’re coming to help me and John. You won’t ever have a love life so me crashing your date won’t matter.
Sherlock: My homeless network > the English police force. Hurry up I just solved shit, let’s go save children.
Moriarty: IMMA TELL Y’ALL THE TALE OF SIR BOASTALOT.
Sherlock: The fuck is this, I don’t give a shit about children’s stories.
Moriarty: blah blah blah FINAL PROBLEM.
Sherlock: This will never be useful to me. But seriously, cab driver, what the shit was that-
Moriarty: LOL NO CHARGE
Sherlock: GUISE…GUISE…THERE ARE CAMERA’S EVERYWHERE.
Lestrade: Sherlock, I have reason to believe that you are Sir Boastalot.
Sherlock: Moriarty is fucking with your head. This is a game. I DON’T LIKE GAMES. NEED I REMIND ALL OF YOU WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME WE PLAYED CLUEDO.
Lestrade: Sherlock, you’re under arrest.
John: I’M GOING TO PUNCH THIS RANDOM FUCKER IN THE FACE.
Sherlock: Coolies, now we’re both arrested.
Sherlock: I GOT A GUN. JOHN’S OFFICIALLY MY BITCH NOW.
John: I’m okay with this.
Sherlock: Kay, I got a great idea, we’re going to jump in front of a bus.
Moriarty: So, I’m an actor now and Sherlock hired me.
Sherlock and John: What.
Sherlock: Molly, I need your help again.
Mycroft: Yeah, so I’m the sole reason Sherlock is now in ridiculous amounts of danger, and will be the reason for his death.
John: You’re such a dick, Mycroft.
John: MRS HUDSON GOT SHOT, HOLY SHITBALLS.
Sherlock: Okay, you can go, I don't really care so I’m going to stay here.
Moriarty: OHMYGOD YOU’RE NORMAL. GO COMMIT SUICIDE TO SAVE YOUR FRIENDS.
Sherlock: I am a fucking angel. Here, listen to all my smart talk.
Moriarty: OH YAAAAY YOU’RE ME! LOL but I’m out *KILLS SELF*
Sherlock: Fuck. This ruins everything.
John: MRS HUDSON, YOU’RE NOT DEAD.
Mrs Hudson: No, just busy making tea for our next-door neighbour the assassin.
Sherlock: John….laterz. *jumps*
*THE SCENE THAT KILLED THE ENTIRE FANDOM*
John: *speaking to Sherlock’s grave*
*THE OTHER SCENE THAT KILLED THE ENTIRE FANDOM*
Sherlock: LOL JKS IM STILL ALIVE, but you'll have to wait another year to find out what the fuck just happened.
The Hounds of Baskerville: accurate summary is accurate.
Henry: I saw a scary as fuck dog on the mooooors
Sherlock: lol I don't care
Sherlock: John get your coat we're going to Devon
Sherlock: I can actually drive I just like spending needless money on cabs
Sherlock: let's go
Innkeeper: so you guys are gay I'm gay too everything is gay in this show here have a gay room like the start of every holiday fanfiction ever -
John: FOR FUCK'S SAKE I AIN'T HOMOSEXUAL
Innkeeper: bye have fun I hope your gay boyfriend who you are gay with doesn't snore
Sherlock: hello quaint townsman I hear you saw a dog I bet my boyfriend you didn't
Townsman: fuck you I did tho
John: lol I get 50 quid for free
Sherlock: Let's break into a top secret military base using my brother's nicked ID which HAS A PHOTO ON IT lol they'll never guess it's not him for twenty minutes
John: I am a captain
~INVESTIGATION IN PROGRESS~
John: hold the fuck up - rabbit?
Frankland: hello I am being introduced in a rather pointed way which suggests I am either the perpetrator of the crime or directly involved in some underhand dealings also have my cell number gurl
John: Your cheekbones are kicking right off in this shot, mate
John: Your coat
John: stop being attractive
John: I meant mysterious
Lestrade: HEY GURLS HEY
John: FAMILY HOLIDAY IN DEVON
Lestrade: just casually confirming my greg-ness and my possible association with your brother
Sherlock: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE
Henry: liberty in liberty in liberty in
Sherlock: let's take a man with mental health problems into the place which probably has a load of triggers for him because this episode is also called The Asshole in Baskerville
John: MY MILITARY SENSES ARE TINGLING MORSE CODE
Sherlock: HOUNNNNNND i saw nothing
Henry: SHIT SCARED THAT IS ALL
~TWO NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS LATER~
John: you're having an emotion
Sherlock: jkfeoadjfFUCK YOU I'M FINE
John: you're raving like a monkey on acid
Sherlock: FUCK YOU I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS
John: fine. okay. then. well. someone's sleeping on the rug tonight and it won't be me.
~CHATTING UP TEH LADIE~
Frankland: just casually ruining everything
John: oh goddammit i can't get off with anyone
~THE NEXT DAY~
Sherlock: John I don't have friends. I just have one.
Sherlock: John you're amazing. John you're fantastic.
Sherlock: casually performing traumatising experiment on my self confessed only friend
Sherlock: i have the internet inside my head MIND PALACE hound indiana liberty frankland cell
John: therapist danger shit
Sherlock: TO THE MOORS
Henry: fuck this shit I'm out
Frankland: JOKES JUST ME
John and Lestrade: FIGHTING EVIL BY MOONLIGHT
Sherlock: Look henry it's just a dog and everything is going to be fine also I am still a jerk
Moriarty: SHERLOCK <3 JIM SHERLOCK <3 JIM SHERLOCK SHERLOCK SHERLOCK SHERLOCK
A Scandal in Belgravia
Moriarty: NUMEROUS DEATH THREATS WHICH ALTERNATE BETWEEN THE FINE LINE OF CREEPY CUTE AND FUCKING SHIT-HE'S-BATSHIT-INSANE SCARY
John: Sweating it out in this vest
Moriarty & Sherlock: FOE YAY
Cliffhanger: IS FRUSTRATING
~insert a year and a half or so~
Everyone: WE ARE STILL INTENSE AND PERHAPS WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE AREN'T YOU JUST DYING TO FIND OUT WHAT THE CONCLUSION TO THIS IS
~cue the beegees~
Moriarty: oh my god mum. sorry, she gets mad if I stay out late
Sherlock: oh my god tell me about it, my brother
Moriarty: SHOUTING soft death threats. oop silly me, I got the date wrong. I'm not dying til next year, pfffft you know you get these things mixed up
Sherlock: OH I SEE SO THIS LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU WELL THEN.
Moriarty: bbl k
John: Wow suddenly business is booming
Sherlock: I am healthier and I eat now
Citizens: Please solve our mysteries oh great detective
Internet: John your blog is damn fine
John: TUMBLR FAMOUS
Sherlock: ugh hats quick
Press: OOH HATS
Sherlock: fuck everything fucking press and fucking fans and fucking HAT - JOHN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU NAMING OUR CHILDREN I MEAN CASES, CASES IS WHAT I MEANT
John: Shut up bitch I like created you
Lestrade: ok he's a dick but don't punch him
Sherlock: I am too smart to leave the house and enter the fog of stupidity which is the outside world so John skype me when you get there
John: you're in a sheet
Sherlock: I know.
John & Sherlock: HUMOROUS DOMESTIC BANTER
Mycroft: fetch me the problem sticks
Sherlock: no fuk you I don't care about clothes
~IN BUCKINGHAM PALACE~
Sherlock: what pants I have no need of pants
John: so just to clarify you're completely naked beneath that sheet
Sherlock & John: trolololfanstrolololol
Mycroft: put your pants on you little shit
Sherlock: NO U
Mycroft: So just to confirm that he is completely naked under the sheet -
Sherlock: OH FINE
Mycroft: irene adler info dump sex sex photos
Mycroft: OH MY GOD FUCK YOU - sherlock just take the case
Sherlock: ok gurl laterz also thanks for the ashtray
Sherlock & John: trolololololol
Irene: Sherlock's coming*
Sherlock: Let's go visit Irene
Irene: What shall I wear?
Sherlock: OH GOD WHAT DO I WEAR
Irene: ok just what I'm most comfortable in
Sherlock: I'll just stick with my normal
Irene: Makeup time for colour, suggestively gay companion
Sherlock: Punch me in the face for some colour, please John
ONE BEAT UP VICAR LATER
Sherlock: what the fuck are those
John: I know what they are
Sherlock: I just want the phone
Irene: I just want to talk cases
Americans: We just want to shoot everything AMERICA AMERICA
Americans: open the safe
Sherlock: LOL NO
Americans: or we will shoot your boyfriend
GUNS AND PUNCHING AND BADASSERY IN GENERAL
Sherlock: well fuck.
Irene: hiker boomerang boom bang dead
Irene: also thanks for the coat c u soon bb
Mrs Hudson: How dare you send your baby brother in against CIA killers
Mycroft: oh shut up -
John & Sherlock: ANGRY BEAR CUB IMPRESSIONS
John: I love jan and rosalia I mean don't you like this jumper
Molly: i put the cuddly in cadaver
Sherlock: there is no cuddly in cadaver also your breasts and mouth are small
Molly: please stop crushing my soul
Sherlock: touching signs of regret and guilt and an apologetic kiss
Molly: ~oh jesus fuck god he kissed me oh god fuck what was that noise that was a moan oh god did i moan please tell me i didn't moan fuck oh god did i? no wait no. shit what if they think it's me, they'll think i'm some creepy fangirl who stalks him and makes shrines out of his used chewy and sings love ballads to a locket photo of him oh god they'll think i'm a fangirl~ I'M NOT A FANGIRL!!
Sherlock: no that was me.
Everyone: wait what.
Phone: basically irene's dead
Sherlock: well fuck.
Irene: yup completely dead on a slab
Sherlock: for the last time, john and I are not - oh, yeah, sure. mycroft? are we creepy as fuck creepers with no friends and no ability to connect to anyone else?
Mycroft: would you rather be normal?
Sherlock: this is a shitty cigarette.
~back at 221B~
John's girlfriend: You're great I just wish you weren't gay
John: I'll walk your dog
John's ex: I don't have one u dick
Sherlock: if you messed up my socks there will be dire consequences
John: mycroft stop playing MIB with me
Irene: jkes just me
John: what the actual fuck fucking tell him you're alive because he's almost heartbroken and I don't know what to do you bitch
John: I AM NOT GAY
Irene: yeah but I am and we're both in love with him. Pretty fucked aren't we.
Sherlock: fuck you sideways Irene
Mrs Hudson: halp
Americans: GUNS PHONE NOW DID WE MENTION THE GUNS
Sherlock: My name is Sherlock Holmes. You hurt my landlady. Prepare to die.
Lestrade: what the fuck happened
Mrs Hudson: I saved the phone though because old bitches get shit done
Irene: hey boys decipher me some code
Sherlock: PLANE BOND AIR 007
John: Told you Bond night would come in handy some day
Irene: Have the sex with me.
Irene: Have the sex with me
Sherlock: Where's John, he should be cockblocking
Man: I can do that for you
Sherlock: but they are dead
Mycroft: wow really.
Sherlock: but. but
Mycroft: SHERLOCK YOU FUCKED UP ALL THE THINGS THAT A PERSON COULD POSSIBLY FUCK UP.
Irene: give me all the things.
Mycroft: well fuck.
Irene: lol in league with moriarty the whole time also he has mean nicknames for both of you lololol
Sherlock: You. are. sherlocked.
Sherlock: also fuck you, those were mean nicknames.
~Some months later~
Mycroft: So John we'll meet at cafe's now since you asked so nicely
John: but you weren't there when I said that -
Mycroft: I'm always there.
John: ahaha you're creepy, so what can I do for you
Mycroft: Irene is dead but let's tell sherlock she isn't so he doesn't start composing sad music again
John: yup sounds good.
John: awkwardly attempting to lie
Sherlock: cool story bro but let me keep the phone.
Irene: Goodbye Mr Holmes.
Sherlock: i save you
Sherlock: lol I got em so good.
The Blind Banker: A Summary
Dogged Nice Guy: radiating unrequited love
Soo Lin: Please stop standing outside my flat at midnight with a boombox. The neighbours complain.
Soo Lin: packing up
Statue: boo you whore
Soo Lin: MOTHER OF GOD
-THEME MUSIC BREAKING IT DOWN-
John: I gon buy me some lettuce
Sherlock casually having a late morning near death experience with an armed assailant in his own flat
John: work, you box of crap
Checkout: hell nah bitch no lettuce for you
John: WHORE OF A THING fuck this I'm out keep the fucking lettuce
Checkout: VICTORY FOR MY PEOPLE
-BACK AT HOME-
John: honey I'm home
Sherlock: oh hello John I was just reading this book hmm yes where are the groceries
John: fucken chip and pin machines
Sherlock: ... I see.
John: listen Sherlock this is really out of character for me which shows kind of how desperate I am but if you could lend me a couple of fivers -
Sherlock: let's go to the bank
John: that was quick
Sebastian: Hi, I'm a douchebag
Sherlock: This is my -
John: I'M NOT HIS BOYFRIEND
Sebastian: Yeah lol no one would want to be his boyfriend
Sebastian: We all hated him in uni
Sebastian: ahaha what a freak right
Sebastian: so buddy help me out here
Sebastian: weird as fuck right
John: at least I get money woah there are a lot of zeroes there
-VAN COON'S APARTMENT-
Sherlock: HAY GURL HAY SO LOL I LEFT MY KEYS IN MY FLAT COULD YOUR GORGEOUS SELF BUZZ ME UP
Woman: sounds legit
Sherlock: invetigation in progress
John: let me in, you dick
Sherlock: Ooh, a dead body! I CALL IT
-CALL IN THE POLICE-
Dimmock: Lestrade was eating a bagel so they sent me instead
Dimmock: -authoritative glare-
Sherlock: who does this bitch think he is
Dimmock: obviously this is a suicide
Sherlock: Obviously you're an idiot
Sherlock: more dancing
John: I have no explanation or apology for my friend's behaviour
Sebastian: you just ruined the punchline of my Japanese golfer joke
Sherlock: Seb a guy just got killed
Sebastian: searching for a fuck to give
John: what a wanker
-GETTING A JOB AND A GIRL AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE I'M JOHN WATSON-
Sarah: giggling and twisting my hair round my finger
Sherlock: WHERE WERE YOU
Sherlock: I NEEDED A PEN
Sherlock: "SHE" WHO IS "SHE"
Sherlock: IS THAT WOMAN I SMELL ON YOU
Dimmock: no way is voldemort back
Sherlock: are you shitting me how dumb are you
John: listen up you dumb fuck people are getting murdered
Dimmock: pics or it didn't happen
Sherlock: codes library advice
Happy-slapping hoodie with ASBOS and ringtones: nope. SHIT COPS
John: wait what
cops: caught you bitch
John: sherlock you are the worst friend ever
Sherlock: shush John I'm thinking about murder
John: verbal keysmash of rage
Sherlock: that's cute now come and help me with shit
YOU WANT LUCKY CAT? TEN POUN' ONLY TEN POUN' VERY CHEEAAAP
John: I need food
Sherlock: dancing around a flat
John: HEY I'M SHERLOCK HOLMES AND I'M A MASSIVE DICKHEAD
Assailant: ninja attack
Sherlock: choking - not breathing
John: OH MY GOD SHERLOCK YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHEBAG
John: SHERLOCK I FOUND CODES shit where did they go
Sherlock: DANCE WITH ME
John: sherlock this has to stop -
Sherlock: IT'S FOR SCIENCE
John: sherlock if we danced together it would be gay, they'd never make that canon, I mean dancing in a ballroom in formal gear in the middle of a case and in plain sight of everyone else, that would NEVER HAPPEN
Soo Lin: suttering heavy accented speech about smuggling rings and codes in books
NOISE OUTSIDE WHICH INDICATES SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE IN THIS SCENE
John: Sherlock get your arse back here
Soo Lin: dead
Sherlock: ok we need books
John: I need sleep oh fuck work
Sarah: that was unprofessional
John: I'll make it up to you with a date
John: I have a date!
Sherlock: I didn't know we were going out tonight
John: no Sherlock just
Sherlock: Hello I'm John's other sexual partner
Sherlock: I meant flatmate. Flatmate is the thing I meant.
John: sherlock please just fuck off and let me get sex
CHINESE SPEAR TRICKERY
Sherlock: snooping around backstage
Sarah: BEATS THAT GUY THE FUCK UP WITH MOTHERFUCKING LEAD PIPING
Sarah: I'm hungry
John: me too
Sherlock: I COULD BE HUNGRY IF I WANTED TO BE
Sarah: what's this?
Sherlock: I COULD HAVE BOOBS IF I WANTED
Sarah: just pointing out something that Sherlock Holmes didn't notice
Chinese man: KIDNAPPING
General: GIVE US THE PIN MOTHERFUCKER
General: YES SHERLOCK HOLMES WE HAVE YOU NOWWW
General: FINE WE'LL JUST KILL YOUR GIRLFRIEND
Sherlock: sup bitches
INTENSE FIGHTING AND NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE
John: I promise I'll pay for the therapy
-domestic breakfast at 221B-
Sherlock: jade pin smuggling ring
General: sorry I fucked up
Mysterious antagonist: that's sweet but I'm still killing you. SEB, GET ON IT