My experience with my first read of Alone on the Water
"A month. At the outside.": Wait what. Really? This early in the game? Alright...jeez...
"I have no desire to go through all that, John.": ...What?
"Are there pills?": WHAT
"...but I will spend the last day alone.": You ass.
"Alone?": >:T Sherlock you apologise right now.
"Yes. So I hope you'll be able to beg off the surgery that day. It'll be short notice.": Ow. Why did that hurt?
Acceptable. My best friend has just informed me that he'd like to spend his last day on earth alone with me. There is no part of that which is acceptable.: WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH.
I will bear the scar down my center to remind me of what I've lost.: NO. NO STOP.
It's starting.: NO. NO. NO. STOP. NO STOP PLEASE IT'S REALLY STARTING TO HURT NOW.
I am deafened by the noise of all that we're not saying.: AnjdkslahUJKLDHJSKLA?!
"I can't see out of my right eye, John," he whispers.: NO MAKE IT STOP ADNKNLSJKLAAJ STOP.
"It's time.": NO IT'S NOT DON'T SAY THAT.
I wonder if it's going to be harder for him to leave life, or leave his work. Is there any distinction between the two in his mind?: Fuck OFF.
At one point I look down to see that Sherlock is holding onto my jumper, just a slight pinch of my sleeve between two fingers on his right hand, as if he's just reassuring himself that I'm there – or perhaps that he's still here.: OH GOD WHY ARE YOU DIGGING THAT KNIFE INTO MY HEART YOU CRUEL BITCH OH JESUS -
I feel that small tug at my jumper again. Hanging on by his fingertips.: NO NO NONONONONONONO
"I think I don't want to be alone.": /SCREECHING
Even if it meant that my heart wouldn't be breaking now.: /DRY SOBBING
He looks at me, vaguely scolding. "John. Surely you don't need me to tell you that.": FUCK OFF GODDAMMIT WHAT ARE THESE? TEARS?!
"Will you miss me, John?": OH GOD THEY'RE TEARS
"Till the end of my days, Sherlock.": EVERYWHERE
"I do get to spend the rest of my life with you.": IJT'S A FJUUUCKING WATERFAASLL
I am undone.: ME THOO NO GOD PELASE MAKE T SOTP
"I thought I was ready for this." His voice shakes.: AAANNDJKSLAHUWHUFBHDSBHJ
"I want you to be the last thing I see," he rasps.: NOSTOPGODFFFUCHNONONONONO
He takes his last breath a few minutes later.: NO GO BACK TO HOWD+IT WAS
.: /tears everywhere
.: /twenty tissues already used
.: I think...I think I might be okay. We'll keep go-
Still the only one in the world.: FUCK EVERYTHING NO FUCK YOU FUCVK LIFE I JUST CAN"TANYTMORE FUCK OFF
five minutes later: a puddle on the floor
ten minutes later: still sobbing and trying desperately to blog through the tears
twenty minutes later: starting to calm down but constantly triggered by various words
thirty minutes later: face hurts, heart hurts, fuck life I'm going to bed
THERE ARE TEARS IN MY EYES FROM THIS POST